lost and never knowing what’s going on, where are you, you’re never around, i’m here at his place, and he was always the first and i feel like i should be happier to be here, but i don’t know what’s going on, i’m here and i’m not here, i’m happy and i’m not. i don’t know what to do. i’m getting worried about you, but then i think that i shouldn’t be so silly, after all it’s never meant to be that way, and it will not last forever. and i like and don’t like that thought, though i haven’t had the guts to tell you that yet. answer your phone, answer your email, answer something, dammit.
i feel like i still have so much more to say, like as if i’ve been gagged for the last year, gagged but not gagged, more like the link from heart to tongue has been severed, all i can really say is the basics, and anything that really means anything just won’t be said, it won’t allow me to say it, and i won’t allow me to say it. i feel like i’m pouring this out to a world that has no clue where i’ve been lately and why things have changed, but please please believe me i’ve been here all along, just silent and holding things in and not letting the truth to be spoken.
things change and things stay the same, but as they stay the same they still change, ever so slowly, until you wake up one day and don’t recognise yourself anymore. i wonder where this person came from. her arrival wasn’t even noticed, it’s just that suddenly, there were several things missing that used to be here, and instead, she has taken over.
i’m choking, as if there’s something in my throat, trying to stop me from saying this. it happens everytime i get upset and have to say things i don’t want to say, but usually these things are the truth.
i think i should stop now.
[10 min later]i think i’ve worked it out. when you realise that you’re on the wrong path, you have to stop, go back to where you made the wrong turn and start again. i’ve had to start again so many times in my life that i’m getting sick of having to do it, and i dread having to do it again, but i know i have to.
now i’ll stop.